You Never Can Tell · Characters
Character guide
Key figures in You Never Can Tell by George Bernard Shaw.
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Valentine
major
Also known as Mr. Valentine, Valentine Clandon, Valentine Astonished, Valentine Dazed, Valentine Jumping, Valentine Stiffly, Valentine Dread, Valentine Quailing, Valentine Pooh, Valentine Panting, Valentine Waiter, Valentine Gloria, Valentine Mrs. Lanfrey Clandon
Valentine is a young professional with a practice in Madeira and a habit of falling in love, which lands him in Mrs. Clandon's parlor being interrogated about his intentions toward Gloria. He meets her moral seriousness with disarming wit and a confession that he is always in earnest, yet somehow always ends up in trouble anyway. His breezy honesty and refusal to be intimidated make him the comic engine of the play's central courtship, and his gunnery analogy hints that he understands more about the Clandon family's tangled history than anyone expects.
Mrs. Clandon
major
Also known as Mrs. Clandon Shocked, Mrs. Clandon Horrified, Mrs. Clandon Wounded, Mrs. Clandon Rising, Mrs. Clandon Dolly, Mrs. Clandon Affectionately, Mrs. Clandon Gloria, Mrs. Clandon Half rising, Mrs. Clandon Nothing, Mrs. Clandon Finch, Mrs. Clandon Urgently, Mrs. Clandon William, the celebrated Mrs. Lanfrey Clandon, Mrs. Lanfrey Clandon
Mrs. Clandon is a celebrated writer and freethinker who has built her family life around advanced principles, raising Gloria and Dolly in deliberate independence from conventional society. When she confronts Valentine about his advances toward Gloria, she admits she knows nothing of love yet proves a formidable interrogator, suspecting him of trifling with her daughter's affections. Her faith in Gloria's rational training as a shield against heartbreak reveals both her intellectual confidence and her blind spots, making her a compelling figure as the family's buried past begins to surface.
Gloria Clandon
major
Also known as Gloria, Gloria Advancing, Gloria Rising, Gloria Unmoved, Gloria Dread, Gloria White, Gloria Angrily, Gloria Coldly, Gloria Hastily, Gloria Proudly, Gloria Nervously, Gloria Puzzled, Gloria Nagging, Gloria Weakness, Miss Gloria, Gloria Mr. Crampton, Gloria Flushing, Valentine Gloria, Gloria Phil
Gloria has been educated to be rational, self-possessed, and devoted to serious causes, and she carries herself with a composure that makes her seem older than her years. When Valentine kisses her publicly and she does not repel him, her mother's confidence in her training is shaken, and Gloria herself must confront feelings she has always dismissed as beneath her. Her struggle between the principles she was raised on and the unexpected pull of attraction makes her the emotional center of the play's examination of love, upbringing, and self-knowledge.
Mr. Crampton
major
Also known as Crampton, Mr. Fergus Crampton, Fergus, Mister Crampton, Crampton Wildly, Crampton Angrily, Crampton Terrified, Crampton Angry, Crampton Amused, Crampton Grimly, Crampton Sarcastically, Crampton Growling, Crampton Ha, Crampton Mr. Bohun, a Mrs. Crampton, Mr. Crampton Miss Dorothy Clandon
Crampton is a physically imposing, coarsened man whose intense critical listening and terrifying manner make him a disquieting presence the moment he enters the hotel. He is estranged from his family and desperate for reconciliation, yet his temper and pride constantly sabotage his own efforts, as when he snaps at being addressed by the wrong name. His arrival sets the play's central mystery in motion, forcing the Clandon women to confront a past they have carefully avoided and testing whether old wounds can be healed.
Dolly Clandon
major
Also known as Dolly, Philip To Dolly, Dolly Cured, Doll, Dolly Unexpectedly, Dolly Vacantly, Dolly Eagerly, Dolly Delighted, Dolly Touching Crampton, Dolly Chalkstones, Dolly Who, Dolly Mum, Dolly Valentine, Dolly Ahah, Dolly The, Dearest Dolly, Dolly Madeira, Dolly Cloth, Dolly Echoing, Miss Dolly
Dolly is the livelier of Mrs. Clandon's daughters, given to ravenous tea-drinking, boat rides, and teasing her siblings with gleeful precision. She and her brother Phil function as a comic duo, narrating Gloria's kiss with mock-solemnity and then withdrawing arm in arm as if from a funeral, leaving Valentine to face Mrs. Clandon alone. Her irreverent energy cuts through the family's high-minded seriousness and makes her a delightful counterpoint to Gloria's intensity, even as she proves more observant than her chatter suggests.
Philip McComas
supporting
Also known as Philip, Phil, Philip Rising, Philip Dolly, Philip Mr. McComas, Stopping Phil, Philip Finch, Finch, Philip The band, Finch my Finch, Philip Maturely, Philip Well, Philip Sh, Philip Significantly, Philip William, Philip Delighted, Philip Twentieth Century Creeds, Philip Apologetic, Philip Striking, Philip Beauty
Philip McComas is the son of the family solicitor, a bright young man who joins Dolly in breathlessly reporting Gloria's terrace kiss to Mrs. Clandon with all the gravity of a Greek chorus. He is also the one who coaches Crampton through the delicate business of meeting his estranged family, showing a lawyer's instinct for managing impossible clients with a mixture of sympathy and exasperation. His easy rapport with the Clandons and his role as intermediary between Crampton and the women place him at the hinge of the play's reconciliation plot.
Finch McComas
supporting
Also known as McComas, McComas Gravely, McComas Outraged, McComas Crampton, McComas Remember, McComas Rising, Mr. McComas, McComas Miss Gloria, McComas Embarrassed, McComas To Gloria, McComas Offended, McComas Democracy, Bohun McComas, Waiter Mr. McComas
McComas arrives at the seaside hotel as the Clandons' old friend and legal adviser, but he is also Crampton's ally, which makes him the only man both sides will tolerate in the room. He coaches Crampton to bear and forbear, then hands him over to Gloria with the plea, 'Be kind to him,' a broker forever caught between the truth he owes each party and the peace he wants for both. His careful stage-management of the reunion is what lets the estranged father and daughter meet at all, and his exasperated decency sets the tone for the whole comedy of reconciliation.
Mr. Bohun
supporting
Also known as Bohun, Bohun Drowning, Bohun Rising, Bohun Nailing Valentine, Bohun McComas, Mr. Boon, Boon, Bohun
Bohun sweeps into the hotel as the legal heavyweight everyone has been waiting for, imposing, disquieting, and armed with a ruthlessly critical ear. His authority cuts both ways: he commands the room, yet his own father is the hotel waiter, whom he summons as a witness with the same inexorable 'We shall want you' he uses on anyone else. That collision of professional severity and private embarrassment makes him the story's engine of judgment, forcing the scattered family to state its case out loud and in order.
Waiter
supporting
Also known as Waiter Mr. McComas, Waiter Smiling, Waiter Entering, Waiter Serving Gloria, Waiter Delicately, Waiter Cheerfully, Waiter Brokenly, Waiter Pleading, Valentine Waiter, I. Waiter Brokenly
William, whose real name is Walter, serves the seaside hotel with a waiter's sharpened wits and a running commentary on the guests who mistake him for Shakespeare's bust or their own fathers. He is also Mr. Bohun's father, a fact he would rather keep off his professional footing, since being a gentleman's parent on the top of a false nose strikes him as a great disadvantage. His cheerful, unflappable presence anchors the hotel scenes and gives the family drama its comic and humane counterweight.
William
minor
Also known as William, Father William, Father, Philip William, Mrs. Clandon William
The Clandon family's elderly servant, loyal and practical.
The Young Lady
minor
Also known as The Young Lady, The Young Lady Hm
An unnamed young woman at the restaurant.
Sophronia
minor
Also known as Sophronia
A maid in the Clandon household, briefly mentioned.
Old Chalice
minor
Also known as Old Chalice
A minor character referenced in passing.
The First Officer
minor
Also known as the first officer, The first officer
A naval officer briefly present at the restaurant.
Walter
minor
Also known as Walter
A servant or waiter mentioned in the play.
