Character guide

Mr. Salteena

major

Also known as Salteena, Poor Mr. Salteena, Mr. Salteenas

Mr. Salteena arrives in London clutching a letter and a first-class ticket, eager to be remade by grand company. His ignorance of levees, cocked hats, and which fork to use is matched only by his touching faith that good manners can be purchased or borrowed. When Procurio rigs him out in silver paper and rolled trousers, Salteena's hopeful vanity becomes the book's tenderest running joke.

Ethel Monticue

major

Also known as Ethel, Miss Monticue, Miss Ethel Monticue

Ethel arrives at the Crystal Palace on Bernard's arm, all blue velvet and ruge, and promptly begins sizing up the room. Her affections shift with the furniture, yet her ambition is oddly innocent: she wants a grand wedding, a tall cake, and a good lot of children. Her peevish exchange with a disguised Salteena shows how quickly charm can curdle into snobbery.

Bernard Clark

major

Also known as Mr. Clark, Bernard, Mr. Bernard Clark

Bernard Clark is the book's golden boy: handsome, well-connected, and generous with his Gaierty Hotel rooms and his blazer. He loves Ethel to the bitter end and blushes at his own thoughts of marriage, yet he also frowns with jealousy when she praises another man. His easy confidence sets the social standard against which Salteena's anxious striving is measured.

Edward Procurio

supporting

Also known as Procurio

Procurio glides through the Earl's compartments with a superior smile, laying out razors, deciding bath temperatures, and improvising a court costume from black evening wear and silver paper. He is at once servant and stage manager, whispering confidences about dressing gowns and correcting Salteena's ignorance with firm politeness. His quiet competence makes him the engine of the book's finest comic set-piece.

Horace

supporting

Also known as active Horace

Horace appears at the station to present the Times and Tit-Bits with a low bow, then finds Salteena a corner seat and stows his bags with care. His attentiveness lets Salteena play the lord, crossing his legs and flinging a fur rug over his knees in the heat. He is the first of many functionaries who mistake Salteena's airs for substance.

Francis Minnit

supporting

Also known as Minnit

Minnit receives his instructions with closed eyes and murmured thanks, asking only when his wages might be paid. His quiet, ailing presence at the threshold of Bernard's house marks the boundary between domestic order and the giddy world of the Gaierty Hotel. He is the still point against which the younger characters' restless pleasure-seeking shows itself.

Earl of Clincham

supporting

Also known as Clincham, lord Clincham, old Clincham, The Earl of Clincham, the Earl

Clincham is the aristocratic neighbor whose door Mr. Salteena, heart beating, finally dares to ring, hoping for polish in Society ways. He wears his small portion of royal blood lightly, waving a careless hand at the very distinctions his visitor aches over, and answers Bernard's letter by pouring whiskey rather than passing judgment. His easy, unbothered kindness both opens the door to Mr. Salteena's ambitions and quietly exposes how much his guest has to learn.

Alfred Salteena

minor

Also known as Alfred

A relative of Mr. Salteena who appears briefly.

Lady Gay Finchling

minor

A fashionable lady who attends social gatherings.

Alf

minor

A minor servant or acquaintance mentioned in passing.

Lord Hyssops

minor

Also known as the Lord Hyssops, Hyssops

A nobleman encountered during the London social scene.